Some background about me...
I grew up in an alcoholic home. Both of my parents were hard core drinkers. My mom did her best but she wasnt always much for paying attention to us kids. I was molested off and on from the time I was 3 to 11. Then I started to eat and stay in and learned quick that fat kept unwanted attention away. So I stopped moving and ate junk food. Chips were never in short supply. lol. Im sure the invention of Nintendo didnt help matters either.
So I started my weight gain and started getting teased at school. Which only made me eat more and gain more. I became suicidally depressed. I would come home from school and pull knives out of the drawer and have them to my wrists or throat ready to slash them open. The only thing that saved me was that I didnt want my grandma to come home and find me like that.
Then when I was 16 I moved in with my dad briefly. Things were bad there too. I was in the same school district so the teasing never stopped. And at home things were in a lot of turmoil. Between it all I took a bottle of aspirin. I didnt care anymore. And I didnt have to worry about my grandmother being the one that found me dead.
Fortunately, the only thing that happened to me was I got sick as a dog. I barfed all night long and it deterred me for a long time. My weight crept up and up. I started working when I turned 18 and became something of workaholic. I would work all the hours I could get. Many times I have worked 2 jobs not because i had to but because I wanted to. I enjoyed working. So I did. And thats when food really started to get me. I ate a lot of fast food. Well not so much fast food... Diner food maybe? Truck stop food is what it was! Good old Kaghanns Korner burgers were my favorite.
Life was ok at that point. I met a man, became pregnant and had the baby. I didnt gain a whole lot at that point. I was lucky. Then I was in a nightmare of a relationship. He would fly off the handle about anything that set him off. Something as simple as him not finding his socks or the remote being misplaced (which was usually his fault for carrying it around) and he would be highly irritated and verbally and mentally abusive. I know he wouldnt agree and would be in my face if he saw that statement but I dont care. He was a great big jerk and still is! I ate even more to stuff down the resentment and the pain. Many break ups and whatnot later, we finally separated.
I met another man that gave me my daughter. We had an insurmountable fight and I ended up calling my ex to come get me where I was at and was back into that abusive environment. He was on the road as a truck driver by then and my thoughts was Id have a roof for the kids and only have to deal with him 2 days a month. I could handle that. Being pregnant meant my chances of getting a job that paid anything were very slim.
So I had the baby, and gained some serious weight. I was up to 366.5lbs by then. I immediately went on a low carb diet, which works wonders on my btw! I lost 66.5 lbs in 3 months. I was starting to become confident and fairly happy. Then lightning struck. My daughter started dropping weight. It started at around 4 months old. She always seemed to be hungry. Like she could never get enough food. 2 months later and a zillion arguments with her pediatrician, she was diagnosed with a hole in her heart. She had also been having kidney problems.
My life became a battle for hers. Every moment was spent trying to get enough nutrition in her so that she could live. And at that point I forgot about me and stopped caring. That precious girl became my soul focus.
Well here I am 3 and a half years later. I am once again free of that man. I was homeless for a good 2 years off and on. Sure we stayed in a shelter, with friends and family until we got her survivorship benefits. Yes, her father died 6 months before she was born. Through sheer luck and a boatload of fighting we finally got the money she deserves.
Right now, Im considered unemployable. I was told that when I went to apply for work. That doesnt exactly make me feel good. Its not because of my weight, thought the interview was pretty snotty with me, it was because of not being able to work the last couple of years. Apparently fighting for your baby's life isnt noble enough reason to be without a job.
Oh well. We get enough to get by and Im not comfortable leaving her with babysitters anyways. Too many unknowns and there are too many abusers out there. She has gone through too much to have to face that potential.
However, this whole crappy life of mine has lead to this moment. 385 lbs. I know what I have to do. And its time that I did it. Life waits for no one. Everyone dies. And right now, I feel that if I dont get this weight under control, I will die before Im 40. I wake up and walk around feeling half dead already. My body hurts if I do too much and I just have a ton of problems. I have asthma. I have diverticulitis. Im pretty sure I have problems with my diabetes although tests have shown Im fine, my feet speak a different language. They are always torn to shreds. And lord knows what is wrong with me that I havent had analyzed yet.
This is the year I have to make a change. If I am to stop the effects of being morbidly obese from killing me, I have to do it now. That way my body can start to repair itself. I cannot expect my body to repair whats wrong when I overwork it to the point that exhaustion and fatigue follow me around like lost puppies! I will stay accountable through this blog and Fitday. Ill post a link to that in my siggy in case this actually gets a following and you might like to see my food entries. Accountability.
Well that is all for now. I shall post back later.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment